I was thinking about
when you fin’lly
”Why do you worry so much about what the others will think of you when they are so busy worrying about themselves, too?”
”Don’t say that…”
”But nobody thinks about anybody at all.”
”Maybe someone will. It’s sad when you know that nobody cares about you.”
”But truth— it really hurts. You can’t do anything about that.”
”I’ll just keep on worrying then…”
Dito sa lugar na aking tinitirhan
mayroong mga batang natutulog sa lansangan
—walang kumot, ni walang unan,
pawang usok / busina lang ng mga sasakyan.
”Sa paggising at pagtulog nila,
makamtan ang pangarap ba’y
Kung ang unang sasalubong
sa kanila’y nakakalunod
na tingin ng mga tao;
kung ang huling imahe
na magigisna’y bituing gano’n parin,
o ’kay layo.
Dito sa lugar na aking tinitirhan,
puno ng mga pangarap
na natunaw, naging abo;
puno ng mga alaala
— alaalang mas mabuting
puno ng mga pagkakataon
na nasayang, hindi mabalikan;
puno ng mga ngiti
—kung saan luha’y patuloy
Dito sa lugar na aking tinitirhan
kung saan puno ng pagmamahalan
—nagbuo at patuloy na sumisira
ito ang lugar ng pamamaalam.
‘'You complain that you're always alone. But look, everyone's there, willing to be with you.’’
‘'But you won't let them in.’’
‘'Now you're pushing me away..’’
‘'Why are you doing this?’’
‘'Because there's nothing in me. Nothing that will make you stay.’’
I am not scared of the future —
losing you and not having you there
scares the hell out of me.
nobody knows; trust nobody
just do it, live life. how? eat and then die.
It's not about the time. It's never about it. Time is just another thing too that I always take for granted. Except you. I never want you to be one of those things. You are more than important. You are more than enough. I know I almost gave up, but I didn't. I just can't, because I know darling you wouldn't fight.
Ilang segundo ring tumigil ang kanyang paghinga nang napunta siya sa ibang dimensiyon ng mundo—madilim, blanko at nakakatakot. Walang kasama—mag-isa. Kung paano siya napunta sa lugar na iyon ay hindi niya alam. Ang tanging naalala lang niya ay noong tumayo siya’t tinangkang iwan ang lahat ng problema, mga napakong pangako, at mga mapapait na alala na buhat-buhat niya sa matagal na panahon—ang abutin ang liwanag ng mundo, ngunit senaryo’y unti-unting lumalabo at ang oras ay unti-unting namatay. Nagising nalang siyang nakahilata sa mala-yelong sahig na tila ba ay hinigop na ang lahat sa kanyang kakarampot na enerhiya. Pinilit niyang bumangon upang ipagpatuloy ang sinimulan ngunit ang paligid niya’y tuluyan na atang gumuho kasama ang kanyang paa na marupok na at ang pusong niluma na ng panahon.
Maingat niyang niyakap ang bawat hibla ng kinakalawang na niyang mga buhok na tila ba nag-uunahan sa pagpatak doon sa kawalan hanggang sa maubos ang natatangi niyang saplot.
Walong oras narin siyang nakatulala sa larawan ng mundong sa kanya’y wala namang pakialam—sa mga tingin niyang unti-unti nang lumalabo patungo sa lugar na walang ibang laman kundi ang anino ng kawalan.
Patuloy ang pag-abot ng nanginginig na niyang mga kamay na dulot ng kalamigan ng kanyang puso sa init na hatid ng pagmamahal mo. Ngunit pati pala ikaw ay walang pakialam sa presensiya niyang unti-unti nang tinutunaw ng mundo.
Ikinulong niya ang kanyang sarili sa mga nota na bumubuo sa bawat himig ng musika ngunit pati pandinig niya’y binibigo na siya.
Wala siyang magagawa kung pati ang katapusan ay kumampi na sa simula.
Uunahan ko nalang ang paalam.
that same old withered scene
was the one I hold dear;
as tears fall in my eyes
i’ve forgotten the sound of the rain.
pero nasaan ka na?
ikaw ba’y tuluyan nang tumila?
nangako ka noon na hindi
pero ngayon, ni natitirang
alaala ko sayo’y iyong hinihila.
daig mo pa ang mga alon,
na patuloy na umiiwas
sa pagdampi sa aking pag-ibig.
daig mo pa ang mga hindi maipintang kahapon,
na tuluyan nang nilimot
ng isang ibong hindi na makalipad.
but i can’t do anything
it’s just sad when you can’t stop
something from disappearing.
it’s painful to see the rain coming
like how it’s painful to see it go away
because it reminds me
of how you came and chose not to stay.
just why can’t it be?
the sky is never
the same anymore
just why it has to be
the end of
you and me?
at ang kwento nati’y
hindi na muling nasundan.
I chose to be alone in a crowd. I imagine telling my friends about the movies I have watched, my thoughts about the stars and the world, my anger upon humanity, how coffee tells my heart to stop beating, when Naoko smiled with tears in her eyes, and everything else I have hidden inside for long — things that is not worth listening for most people. The reason why I chose to be alone. Maybe I expect too much and that makes me not hope anymore. Maybe I have given a lot it drained me — like a dead river that stopped waiting for the rain forever. I am like a desert, empty. Empty like a balloon people let go in the sky thinking it wants to be free but not realizing that it just wants to be held after all. Like a balloon who just gave up and it tries to make people push it away because it is nothing and will one day burst and will just end up destroying everybody. Maybe that is why I did not choose the crowd, they are too crowded. I do not fit in anymore. They let you talk but they do not listen. They cheer you up but in the end they are the one who let you down. They kill hearts. I kill hearts, too. We people kill each others’ hearts. Pain. That’s the way it should be. So we let each other go, like a child letting go of his balloon. Painful yet beautiful.
It’s been a year, I guess, and I’m so glad to say that we made it through the good times and the bad times, through the ups and downs of our lives.
Darling, I know I’ve been so annoying or (should I say) moody to you for the past few moments, I realized it too, and I’m sorry but I shouldn’t be sorry. I’m happy that you stayed. Thank you (that should be it) so much. My weird attitudes, they were actually one of the reason why many people chose to leave.Thank you for being such a man to me.
We’ve been travelling a lot lately, right? Those precious memories are so important to me. They’re like immortal fireflies in a jar floating in the sky, so beautiful. They’re not going to die.
Your hidden efforts on helping/taking care of me, I noticed them. I really do appreciate it (it just don’t show). Thank you so much, dear.
Just so you know, you are truly beautiful. All your so-called flaws, to me—they’re not really flaws. Okay? You are my Zac Efron, well, way better than him.
It’s still a long and way too long, exciting, memorable journey. We still have tons and tons of movies in our lists, millions of books to discover, thousands of photographs to be taken, hundreds of places to visit, buckets of coins to be sacrificed on our swear jar, countless arguments and happy moments. And if ever we only have 2 seconds left together, we’ll make it and turn it to forever.