Tanda mo pa ba
noong tinanong kita
kung ako ba’y mahal mo pa?
Hindi ka sumagot, mahal.
Simula noon, alam ko na.
I want to tell you how much you mean to me every day. I want to show you how much I want to take care of you whenever you are sick, tired, or lonely. I want to be always there for you whenever you need someone by your side. I just want to be with you every minute of every day.
And yet, all I can give you is my words.
I want you to know how lonely I get whenever I can’t make you smile even just for a day — Oh, how I feel so worthless. I want you to see what effects you have on me. I want you to understand the pain I feel whenever you stop telling me things and stuff. I want you to see how jealous I become whenever other people can reach you just so easily. I want you to realize how hard it was for me to ignore “us” and go away.
And yet, I chose to stay. I know things aren’t always easy.
I hope you realize how much I long for that day when we could finally feel the touch of our own words, when we could finally feel each other’s warmth, when we would melt in each other’s gaze, when we could finally laugh in rhyme, when we could finally watch that sad movie while we shed tears together, when we could already play the piano and take each other’s photos, when we could sit and have drinks while we write poems together.
I know all these words are not enough to make the pain go away, to make you feel warm, to make you feel loved, to make you happy, to make us not feel that we’re 432.65 miles away from each other.
I know they were never enough. But still, I will never stop writing about you, my love.
But I stopped believing in birthdays.
I gave up trying to convince anyone of anything long ago.
William Faulkner, Light in August
If every beginning has an end, then nothing has ever truly existed.
My heart, like a black hole, lost somewhere out there in the universe. Like a place where there’s nobody else around. I’m a prisoner of my own heart. I’m a prisoner of that blank and distorted place. Whilst I am waiting for that someone who will lift me up from the depths I’m sinking into. And waiting is one of the saddest things in the world, I know. Most people are afraid to help me out. They are afraid that they might just end up sinking into nothing, absolutely nothing, with me. Or was it just me? Was it just me all the time who’s afraid of letting them in, into my nothingness? Afraid that they might just end up leaving me, leaving that dark place inside me? That maybe they wanted someone who’s closer to the formed light? Maybe that’s why I don’t like being too close to someone, because then, I have something to lose. I’m just like everyone else, too fragile inside.
告白
Minsan, tinanong mo ako kung hindi ba ako nalulunod sa sarili kong salita — masyado raw kasing malalim at minsan ikaw ay hindi na makasabay pa sa alon. Hindi ko alam kung pagpupuri ba iyon o kabaliktaran. Ngunit mas nilunod mo ako sa salitang iyong binitiwan.
Ako kasi ‘yun.
Ako ‘yung mga salitang ‘yun. Ako ‘yung nakikita mong mga malalim na salita. Ako ‘yung binabasa mo at pilit mong iniintindi. Madalas ikaw ay sumusuko, at mas pinipili mo pang umahon agad bago kapa tuluyang malunod. Masyadong magulo ang alon ko, at hindi mo maintindihan. Kaya ako ay iyong iniiwan nalang.
Ako ‘yung bawat espasyo sa mga salita habang pilit mong hinahanap ang nakatago kong kahulugan.
Ako ‘yung dagat ng mga salita na pilit mong nilalangoy, at kung minsan pa nga umaasa ka na sasagipin kita para ipaintindi ko sa iyo at hindi kana mahirapan. Ngunit walang dumarating, wala. Hindi kita masasagip hangga’t hindi mo nalalaman.
Dahil ako ‘yun.
Ako ‘yung nasa likod ng kaibuturan ng mga salita na pilit mong sinisisid. Kung nalulunod ka sa aking salita ay hindi na kita masasagip pa. Dahil ako mismo ang laman noon. Ikaw na nagbabasa ang pag-asa ko. Ikaw ang inaasahan kong sumagip sa akin dito sa kailaliman ng mundo ko. Patuloy kong tinataas ang aking kamay sa tuwing nakakakita ako ng liwanag habang nakikita kang inaabot ako, ngunit, hindi ka nagtatagal at umaalis ka rin. Masyado akong malalim at hindi mo ako maabot dahil ayaw mong tuluyang malunod — iyon ang sabi mo. Ako naman ay heto’t luhaan at lalong nadadagdagan ang tubig sa kawalan — palalim ng palalim lalo, tila ba’y wala ng pag-asa at habang buhay na sa karimlan.
Oo, ganoon na nga. Ako ‘yung salitang hindi mo kailanman maiintindihan. Ngunit huwag kang mag-alala;
hindi ako magagalit kung aalis ka man katulad nila—
magtataka pa nga ako kung mananatili ka.
Alam kong tanging gusto ko lang naman ay maging maligaya ka. Pero inaamin ko, minsan, nalulungkot ako kapag nakikita na kitang masaya.
Nakakalimutan mo kasi ako;
“It’s getting colder now. I think this city is sick of us.”
Just don’t let me go.
